Do you feel disconnected from your husband? Communication is important, but connection in marriage is ESSENTIAL. Connection nourishes your relationship. If the connection breaks, your marriage will starve.
When a marital connection is weak, there is little happening to cultivate it. These Bible verses will help you nourish your marriage: Hebrews 10:24, Romans 12:10, Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 4:32, and 1 Peter 4:8.
Take a minute to read them by hovering over the links. Then ask God to show you practical ways to improve the connection with your spouse. Here is one suggestion: the Marriage Fitness program.
Want to know more? Keep reading.
DISCLOSURE – This post may contain affiliate links. If you buy something through one of the links, I will earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Read my full disclosure here.
The Marriage Fitness Program
Today I’m sharing a guest post by Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness. His resources helped me through a marital rough spot – and I’m an affiliate for his marriage renewal system.
Fertel’s alternative to counseling is helpful if your marriage is stuck or faltering. His book is a small investment for the value it provides. And his FREE articles offer fresh insights into the marriage relationship.
Ready to reconnect with your husband? Consider the following advice from a world authority on the psychology of relationships. I appreciate his willingness to share it with us.
Enjoy the post!
Connection in Marriage
NOTE – The following content is an adaption of “How to Get Your Spouse to Hear You” by marriage coach Mort Fertel.
Recently, I had a series of private phone sessions with a man who was very frustrated. Listen to how he described his situation. I bet you can relate.
This man said he felt trapped in his basement trying to communicate with his wife via Morse Code. He banged on the pipes trying to get her attention. Bang and wait … bang and wait … bang and wait.
But each time he finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard he banged or how long he waited, his wife never heard him.
Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness. Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication?
Information or Communication?
We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you can dial, beep, page, instant message, or FedEx. It’s true.
Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become easier over time. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become harder.
And the reason is this: Most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Two very different types of communication.
Technology gives us many ways to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can’t text message that.
You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. Personal communication is a whole different ball game. It’s personal communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.
Is Email Killing Your Marriage?
I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They are both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, Connecticut.
After further discussion, they learn that they’re going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold, they discover they have the same daughter and live in the same apartment. They finally realize they are husband and wife.
You know what’s killing marriages these days? EMAIL!
More and more, I see husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. Want to do something tangible today to improve your marriage?
Stop emailing your spouse!
Email is for information. But in a marriage, you’ve got to HEAR each other – and I don’t mean the sounds of each other’s words.
You’ve got to hear the silence between the sounds. Interpret the unspoken meaning of pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart.
You CANNOT do this with email.
And let me be clear about something: You can’t do it with communication techniques either. There’s no communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other’s thoughts. Feel each other’s joy. Or cringe from each other’s pain.
My one-on-one phone sessions are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and typical marriage counseling. If you’re like most people with marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know it doesn’t work.
A Band-aid Won’t Fix a Bruise
Today, my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying, and I could see that his leg was black and blue.
“Daddy, I need a band-aid,” he said. “But it’s not bleeding,” I responded. And again he said, “Daddy, can you put a band-aid on it?”
I realized that my son’s perspective was different than mine. In his way of thinking, when something hurts, a band-aid makes it better. Even if it’s a bruise and not a cut.
What does this have to do with communication in marriage?
Most people think communication techniques will solve the problem. But that’s like putting a band-aid on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution.
Communication techniques help colleagues share information. They belong in seminars that teach sales and negotiation.
But YOU are not trying to complete a business transaction with your spouse. You’re trying to renew a relationship. I can almost guarantee that your problem is not clarity; it’s concern.
In an ironic way, communication techniques sometimes do give people clarity. That is, clarity that they DON’T CARE what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it” – but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.
How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?
An Alternative to Marriage Counseling
This is what’s unique about the Marriage Fitness approach versus traditional counseling. Most marriage programs teach communication skills. But effective communication will NOT create love in your marriage.
In fact, the opposite is true. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll prove it to you.
Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right?
When you are in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you finish each other’s sentences. Yet, you haven’t known each other that long or learned any communication techniques.
Years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, you can’t get through to each other. [Even after employing tested and proven communication strategies. And taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus.]
Listen carefully. Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.
The question is not, “How do I communicate in an effective way with my spouse?” It is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?”
Once you reconnect, you won’t sit in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above, and it will be your spouse. You were heard.
Want to learn how to reconnect with your spouse? Request a FREE copy of my report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage.” Click here to subscribe and get a FREE marriage assessment, too.
Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
More From Mort Fertel
If you enjoyed this guest post by Mort Fertel, you might like these posts:
- Character in Marriage: Where is the Man You Married?
- Forgiveness in Marriage: How to Forgive and Be Forgiven
- One Decision That Will Change Your Marriage for Better
Now It’s Your Turn
Thank you for reading this post. Now it’s YOUR turn to chime in. How is your connection in marriage? Do you and your husband share information, or a personal connection?
Let’s fill the comments with friendly conversation. Scroll down to leave a reply, ask a question, or just say hello. And if you liked this post, please give it a share.
Blessings, Annette
NOTE – You are reading “Connection in Marriage: How to Get Your Husband to Hear You.” A version of this post appeared on Blogger in March 2015. I have updated it for the Savoring Home community.
Photo Sources
- Getty Images | Canva | License
Reference Sources
